BENTLEY

From: Brandi Baros
Date: Tue, 22 Jun 1999 10:15:41 -0400
Subject: BENTLEY!

Hi all

Many of you on this list got Joe's recent email detailing his vacation
which included the trip to dear old Alleged.U and the reference to a
possible game of trans-national Bentley.  For those of you who don't
know Joe and think Bentley is a luggage store (extra points if you
think it's a luxury car), read on.

For those of you who were not among the Freaks at Allegheny, Bentley
is an odd interactive game originated (I think) by Dave Kosak of the
Freaks, while we were all addicts of the alleg.talk bulletin board.
Bentley is a virtual game of mental heroics vaguely resembling Capture
the Flag, only it's more of "Strategically Overwhelm the Flag" as Dave
put it.  It's played a lot like Calvinball of Calvin & Hobbes in that
the primary rule is that you can never play it the same way twice, but
beyond that anything goes.  The object of the game was to capture
Bentley Hall, which was the oldest building on the Allegheny Campus
and housed the President's office, by chicanery, obfuscation,
silliness, heroics, or whatever other strategies seemed appropriate. 
We usually started by each claiming a starting point, and proceeding
from there.  Invocation of past moves and rules created or intoned in
past tournaments is a usual part of the game, and the more elaborate
and outrageous you get, the better.  Everyone involved gets one move
per day.  The eventual winner is the person who eventually wins.

Since we are now a collection of people living in places as
geographically distant as Southern California and Boston, and as there
are people on the mailing list not familiar with the Alleged.U campus
(and those of you who haven't been there in a couple years wouldn't
know where the suspended running track in the Wise Center is anyway),
I propose a transnational game of Bentley.  Out of fairness to our
West Coast player, I suggest that rather than capturing, say,
Washington DC, we go for a more central target such as Fort Knox, Des
Moines, or New Orleans.  It doesn't matter if you don't know the
geography, it's mostly irrelevant.  We may as well be trying to
capture the Kremlin or the Vatican.  (Hey, I like that one.  Let's
Bentley the Vatican!) Also, due to time zone changes, I suggest that
we declare each day "over" at midnight Pacific time, (3am Eastern) to
allow everyone time to get to their computers during normal waking hours.

Since Mr. Kosak is the (at least apocryphal) originator of the grand
game of Bentley, I leave the first move to Dave.  ( Not to put you on
the spot or anything, but you always were the best at this :-)

Cheers!

-Brandi


From: Dave Kosak
Date: Tue, 22 Jun 1999 10:32:55 -0700
Subject: Re: BENTLEY!

I always thought one of the best part of Bentley was the juxtaposition
of grandness ("a move representative of the Swiss defence made famous
in the late ninteenth century by the Rumanians") with the mundane
details ("a move that plays into my hands because Brooks Hall is
nearly out of peas.") That requires a shared intimacy with one's
location that, having moved all over the country, we simply don't have
anymore. 

But I'd hate to spoil everyone else's fun, so by all means, begin
without me!

For the uninitiated, "Bentley" is actually based off of a British
sketch comedy piece called "Mornington Crescent." Mornington Crescent
was a fake Game Show who's rules were not explained, it involved the
London Underground Subway Map, and the contestents would take turns
moving from one station to the next. The object was to be the first to
get to Mornington Crescent, but there were all these rules as to how
you could move, and there was an audience -- who would cheer or "ooh!"
on cue -- and commentators, who made a big deal out of every move,
exactly like British Chess commentators.

So watching people play Mornington Crescent was exactly like watching
a game of championship Chess on television, if you had never heard of
or seen chess before. It was hysterical in that sorta weird British
restrained kind of way.

Welp, I've wasted quite a bit of time at work this morning, bad Dave,
bad.

 -Dave

From: Vincent Frisina
Date: Tue, 22 Jun 1999 13:50:02 -0400
Subject: Re: BENTLEY!


Dave Kosak wrote:
>
> I always thought one of the best part of Bentley was the
> juxtaposition of grandness ("a move representative of the Swiss
> defence made famous in the late ninteenth century by the
> Rumanians") with the mundane details ("a move that plays into my
> hands because Brooks Hall is nearly out of peas.") That requires
> a shared intimacy with one's location that, having moved all
> over the country, we simply don't have anymore.

Dave's right. I'm overwhelmed by the pointlessness of it all. Why even
bother playing Bentley at all? It will never be the same as at
Allegheny. We are all just semi-sentient cogs in a machine too large
for us to ever understand trying to reclaim some fraction of the lost
joy our lives by reliving our college glory days. Maybe it's finally
time to move on. What do you think, guys?


...Wait a second. What a slyboots you are, Kosak! This is the classic
existential angst maneuver made famous by the French delegation in the
1942 Continental Demi-finals with a modern finish in the American
postmodern nihilism defense which I'm sure we all remember from the
fateful match-up Pynchon and Delillo in 1972 before the Anti-Symbiotic
Amendment was passed by the International Bentley Congress (IBC (who
also make great root beer)).

Ha! I claim Buffalo thus forcing my hand on two Great Lakes.



From: Dave Kosak
Date: Tue, 22 Jun 1999 11:05:08 -0700
Subject: Re: BENTLEY!

Damn, outed my first move. Staking claims on the Great Lakes is a
typical opening, it was, in fact, the French who perfected it early in
our continent's history, a legacy which lives on in French-speaking
Canada.

I'm going to make my opening move in Vegas. The opening gambut is as
chancey as the city itself implies, but I suspect things will pan out
if the other Freaks, classical in their playstyle, open as I suspect
them to.

Vegas has its high points, and I'm referring to more than the
showgirls -- the Austrians love the Vegas opening, and throughout the
80s -- before the Breckle accords loosened the rules for Texan
movement -- the Austrian Vegas Opening was feared by all but the
masters. Nonetheless, I'm going to go with a less rigid strategy than
my Austrian playmates, barring any influce by the aforementioned
showgirls.

Onward!



From: David Twiddy
Date: Tue, 22 Jun 1999 12:41:23 PDT
Subject: Re: BENTLEY!

I claim Dayton.

You might think you know why.

But you don't.

D*


From: Brandi Baros
Date: Tue, 22 Jun 1999 16:10:39 -0400
Subject: Re: BENTLEY!

Well, Dave and Vince, the Existential Angst Manoeuvre was crafty
indeed but less successful than hoped... but kudos for the attempt. 
That card hasn't been played in quite some time.  Having regained my
sense of youthful optimism, I shall proceed with my Bentley move for
the day.

I shall begin my manoeuvres here by steeling myself here in the
ironclad city of Pittsburgh.  This will afford me easy access to
waterways (you will recall the importance of the Ohio River in the
1862 Bentley match, in which the invading Apatight was defeated by the
Carnegie, who torched Apatight's canoe and stranded hm on the
riverbank.  The ensuing flood caused the loss of Apatight, and the IBC
commented that canoeing up a river was a less than desirable move.
Canoeing down has never been a problem, of course, and this was
performed to great success in the powerful and bloody 1870 matchup
between Delura and Ledbruck, before the IBC 1871 ruling stating "you
can pick your opponents, and you can pick your nose, but you cannot
pick your opponent's nose".  Pittsburgh also places me close to
Meadville, which is the world's largest source of Beige Foam.
Additionally, while the laid-off steelworkers in the Pittsburgh area
may not be nearly as pleasing to look at to some as Dave's showgirls
(although that didn't stop the idea of the film "The Full Monty"),
having them on my side will be significantly safer than leaving them
to join with the enemy.

Onward to the Vatican!
-b-


From: gazoo
Date: Tue, 22 Jun 1999 17:04:41 -0700
Subject: Re: BENTLEY!

Fools!  Fools, ye all be!  You have forgotten about our fair (and
socialized-medicined) neighbor to the North!  Rule 1099-B (cf:
articles 23-25), enacted at the Kowloon conference just two short
years ago in preparation for Hong Kong's turnover, clearly states that
"transnational" also includes those countries of neighboring borders
who share Most Favored Nation trading status and have cool national
anthems.

Therefore, I am packing up my roller skates, four jelly rolls, a
handgun, six licorice whips, two lit torches, a Hot Pot, a copy of
_Awakening the Giant Within_, and my blow-up doll "Buddy"... and
flying a Lear jet up to NOVA SCOTIA!

Just *try* topping that, kids,
Joe "to see the total eclipse of the sun" McCombs.


From: Timothy J Luoma
Date: Tue, 22 Jun 1999 19:11:22 -0400
Subject: Re: BENTLEY!

Fools!  You are all fools!

While you patter about with your feeble attempts at world domination,
I have overtaken Waco, TX and the entire state of Utah!  As any
history buff knows, being shunned by the Vatican led Joseph Smith and
Brigham Young to settling the Mormon community, they've waited
hundreds of years for their chance to get back at them, and are
chomping at the polygamist bit to get back and slap those silly
celibates around!  Because of their obsession with abstinence they
tricked the Mormons into taking on several wives at once, leading them  
to the eventual-but-too-late realization that they couldn't handle
that many women in one place!

Meanwhile my Southern army, The Ten-Toothed Gang, has assembled the
remnant Branch Davidians (hrm.... Davidians.... we have two Daves....
I claim the first hostages, Dave and Dave* I have your brothers in
arms!) and we are even at this minute approaching Montana, land of
cowboys and Unabombers!

We will crush you all just like the little-known Battle of 1982 where
a group of Flock of Seagull fans tricked several Michael Jackson fans
into moonwalking out of their hideout into a waiting pit filled with
venomous snakes!

You will all be slaves and I will force you to watch Jar Jar Brinks
until you embrace the one true faith of Lucasianess!!!!

[manical laughter.... fade to black....]

From: Brandi Baros
Date: Wed, 23 Jun 1999 08:29:34 -0400
Subject: Bentley:  End of Day 1, Begin Day 2

The status thus far:

Vince (the Henchman of Cthulhu) has claimed Buffalo and two of the
Great Lakes.
Dave (Microchip Master) has claimed Vegas and showgirls.
Dave* (the Obscure One) has claimed Dayton for reasons all his own.
Brandi (the Biomancer) has claimed Pittsburgh, the Three Rivers, and
the local ex-steelworkers.
Joe (The Great Gazoo) has claimed Nova Scotia.
TJ (Man of the Cloth) has claimed Waco TX and the state of Utah, along 
with polygamists and unstable violent isolationists.
Frank (Gonzo the Great) is praying for Divine Intervention.


The Game has begun.  Let us now begin Round Two.  Those of you who are 
still catching on to the Game may join at any time.

Bentley on, folks!

-b-, who recommends "the first thing we do, let's kill all the
lawyers"


From: David Twiddy
Date: Wed, 23 Jun 1999 05:22:21 PDT
Subject: Re: Bentley: 2nd move

I take the train to Massapeuqa.

It's cleverer than it appears.

D*


From: "Timothy J. Luoma"
Date: Wed, 23 Jun 1999 10:31:01 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: Re: Bentley: 2nd move

On Wed, 23 Jun 1999, David Twiddy wrote:
 
> I take the train to Massapeuqa.
> 
> It's cleverer than it appears.
> 
> D*

I counter by taking the last train to Clarkesville, and I'll meet 
you at the station ;-)

Prepare for war!

Meanwhile my maundering group of marauders -- having fooled everyone 
into thinking they would head to Southern California (hotbed of 
religious radicalism and former home of the Heaven's Gate geniuses) 
-- made a bold and daring maneuver and captured Des Moines.... by 
the time you figure out why it will be too late... but I'll give you 
a hint, not unlike the large red button labelled "Emergency Stop" 
on most doomsday devices -- watch the skies for incoming---no, I'm 
not going to tell you after all; I've learned from the mistakes 
made in the classic duel of 1247 when Guadalupe Reganice spent two
hours outlining his plan for world domination only to be eventually
overcome by the grapes he was eating, which were, as we all know,
secretly poisoned by his mistress' younger daughter....

So you'll be in suspense....

[buwah-hahahahah..... *suddenly vanishes*]


From: Brandi Baros
Date: Wed, 23 Jun 1999 11:12:08 -0400
Subject: Re: Bentley: 2nd move

Whilst the Obscure One continues his obfuscatory ways, and the
Reverend laughs his demoniacal laugh, I shall make a brief detour to
the pleasant hamlet of Export, where I shall be baking a large batch
of biscotti according to an old and revered family recipe while
visiting my cousin Goldie; and then go to my parents' house to cook a
large batch of halupki according to an entirely different yet old and
revered family recipe. These I shall pack in to my trusty backpack
(the halupki in a cooler of course) and carry with me for my Bentley
journey.

After all, I'm not going to go on a major expedition without food,
right? You may recall the outcome of the 1968 matchup between Makartny
and Lennen, where the Bentley match continued for forty days and forty
nights. Makartny came prepared with a water bottle and a stash of
venison jerky, while Lennen arrived on scene with a pocketful of
nickels for the pop machine.  Lennen gained a substantial lead on
Makartny, by having given peas a chance, but eventually the pop
machine ran out and Brooks ran out of peas, and Makartny won by
default when Lennen was taken to the emergency room to be treated for
severe dehydration and malnutrition.  This led to the 1968 Finite
Quantity of Brooks Peas Substantial Preparations Addendum to the
Backpack rule, which declares that while it is good to give peas a
chance, it is also acceptible and often advisable to prepare one's war
rations.

Cheers!
Brandi "food is served and you're stone cold munching" Baros


From: Vincent Frisina
Date: Wed, 23 Jun 1999 11:32:38 -0400
Subject: Re: Bentley: 2nd move

Both Ms. Baros and Rev. Luoma have attempted some very risky and
risqué moves this round. As always, Mr. Twiddy is a formidable
opponent if only because I no fucking clue what he is doing. Pish posh
on the rest of you.

While Mr. Kosak is distracted by the lewd gyrations of Las Vegas
showgirls, I move north to Toronto thus rendering Mr. McCombs' venture
into Nova Scotia null and void! You will all remember that this
crushing blow was initially delivered in the 1992 Canadian Bentley
Association exposition match of Mike Meyers as Austin Powers against
Mike Meyers as Doctor Evil. I never would have thought seeing a man
play with himself could be so intriguing.


From: Michael Wachs
Date: Wed, 23 Jun 1999 11:40:32 -0400
Subject: RE: Bentley: 2nd move

	sorry i have taken so long in communicating my moves. stealth is
power my friends and while you were busy gabbing about personal
conquests i was underground, masterminding my steps toward domination
of the holy city...

	taking a cue from the echo squadron tunnel rats of 1970 i have
burrowed trails mapped out for me by colonel mickey o'hurlihee from
beneath boston across canada to juneau, alaska. from montreal to
vancouver i have positioned my ancient race of mole men (bent to my
will from endless hours of teletubbie brainwashing) to strike at the
first sign of competition. if you recall the match of 1837 upper
canada v. lower canada, christian rafn employed the use of the ancient
tunnel dwellers to steal all the candy corn in lower canada. thus
forcing their hand and gaining dominance over the land. so with their
aid i have initiated a two-pronged attack. one: the tunnel  will keep
mr. mccombs from advancing southward. two: it will keep you all from
partaking in my precious supply of alaskan king crabs. i claim juneau
and a soon to be brainwashed army of crabs for the kingdom of me!!

	the huns and romans never had it so good...
	i will reach the destination AND own this little blue marble.

	wait a second... maybe it was a THREE pronged attack.
	buwah-hahahahah to you mr. luoma et. al.

	mike "bootsy" wachs
	cousin of obscurity


From: Brandi Baros
Date: Wed, 23 Jun 1999 13:03:45 -0400
Subject: RE: Bentley: 2nd move

At 11:40 AM -0400 23/06/1999, Michael Wachs wrote:... 
>i claim juneau and a soon to be brainwashed army of crabs for the
>kingdom of me!!

Ah, Mr. Wachs!  A clever move indeed, but I think you may find it
difficult if not impossible to brainwash creatures that don't actually
have brains! Perhaps you may need to rethink your strategy before your
army of crabs start pinching at *your* tender vittles.

This is a public service announcement sponsored by Nitrogen - it's
everywhere!

-Biomancer


From: Michael Wachs
Date: Wed, 23 Jun 1999 13:33:23 -0400
Subject: RE: Bentley: 2nd move

what you were not aware of was the alaskan king crab's ability to
receive teletubbie transmissions through it's chemoreceptors. by using
la-la's emotions (i've fed her truckloads of pixie stix and shown her
a vast array of frank stallone pictures. so she is far from happy.) as
a transmitter i can make the crabs follow my every move...

even the dreaded macarena!

BWAHHH-HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
-bootsy

ps. my "tender vittles" are neither tender, nor vittles. discuss.


From: Brandi Baros
Date: Wed, 23 Jun 1999 14:11:22 -0400
Subject: RE: Bentley: 2nd move

Ah, but if your crabs are recieving instructions from Teletubbies,
will they not, in accordance with the Fundamentalist Religious Whacko
Not-Left Movement's Axiom of Homoerotic Teletubby Nature, become so
preoccupied with their latent homosexual tendencies that they will
stop following your orders and start a giant orgiatic king-crab love
in?  And then where would you be?  Surrounded by horny crabs with one
thing on their major ganglia - each other.

And by the way, if that doesn't happen and they do "follow your every
move... even the dreaded macarena"... Why are you doing the macarena
yourself?

Personally preferring to do the Safety Dance, I remain
-b-

PS I really don't want to know the details about your "tender
vittles". They were brought up only to make a point (so to speak).


From: Michael Wachs
Date: Wed, 23 Jun 1999 15:17:58 -0400
Subject: RE: Bentley: 2nd move

are you and i the only ones with free time?

i chose la-la for calculated reasons. one being that she is asexual.
there will be no love-in with crabs hopefully (refain from obvious
joke).

saving the macarena as my trump card,
mbootsy

ps. my crabs prefer to "roger rabbit" communities and habitats down to
their foundations.


From: Timothy J Luoma
Date: Wed, 23 Jun 1999 15:51:51 -0400
Subject: Re: Bentley: 2nd move

[psst-- hey Brandi -- no fair cutting me out of your 'cc' list so-as
to not let me in on your secret plans.... I'm hip to your game ;-p

	Unfortunately one of my covery crab spies tricked Mr Wachs into
	forwarding your message in one of his replies. It was a nice
	effort, but failed just as the 1918 coup against Renald
	D'etasti when he found the secret battle plans on the
	inside of his jar of Grey Poupon.]

Anyway, without further ado....

> At 11:40 AM -0400 23/06/1999, Michael Wachs wrote:...
>
> > i claim juneau and a soon to be brainwashed army of crabs for
> > the kingdom of me!!
>
> Ah, Mr. Wachs!  A clever move indeed, but I think you may find
> it difficult if not impossible to brainwash creatures that don't
> actually have brains!

Hey, the Republicans manage to do it, why can't Michael??!?!?


[ok, disclaimer: I could have chosen either political party there, and
have no political leanings myself.... after all, look at the choices
we had in the last election: Clinton or Dole.... jeez, what kind of
choice is that?  Pick your penile dysfunction, I guess... do you
prefer "Unstoppable Bill" or "Unstartable Bob"?]

Meanstwhile, I have followed Mr Wachs decent into the animal kingdom
and have girded myself with rabbits with huge, nasty teeth..... I
tried to get the Lemmings to follow me, but they wouldn't come with me

Now I will plan my next attack.  My chief weapon is surprise..... fear
and surprise... surprise and fear... and a fanatical devotion to
capturing the Pope.....

TjL, going off to enjoy the spoils of war for the night....


From: gazoo
Date: Wed, 23 Jun 1999 23:56:13 -0700
Subject: Re: Bentley: 2nd move

First: It occurs to me that those who have not participated may only
be checking their e-mail once a week... and will be astonished at this
recent deluge of correspondence.

Second: My tryst with Derek last week was that and nothing more.  He
has informed me of his wish to keep things at a friendship level. 
Which means I'm gonna be a BITTER little bitch to the rest of y'all as
compensation.  Beware...

Third: I have laughed WAY too hard at today's communiques.  Which is
both a compliment to you posters and a reflection of the planter's
punches I drank at Martuni's this evening.  Being the town drunk in
San Francisco does have its advantages.

Fourth: In this moderately serene state of drunkenness, I regret to
inform you that my Nova Scotia inhabitation went dreadfully awry.  In
response to an outstanding warrant for my arrest (I didn't know *that*
was still illegal!), I was deported from Canada and put on a plane out
of North America.  Problem was, the stupid fucks forgot to ascertain
the validity of my passport.  So I landed here in Paris, with no right
to enter the country and no visa to enter any other.  Therefore I am
stranded here among the other Mole People in Charles de Gaulle
Airport, reading books and hawking change, until I receive an exit
visa or the rescue mission of some daring young man in a jaunty
jalopy.

Until next round, I remain,
Joe "he flies through the air with the greatest of ease" McCombs.


From: Timothy J Luoma
Date: Thu, 24 Jun 1999 03:24:27 -0400
Subject: Re: Bentley: 2nd move

Replying to message of Wed, 23 Jun 1999 23:56:13 -0700
	from gazoo
	regarding ``Re: Bentley: 2nd move''

> First: It occurs to me that those who have not participated may only
> be checking their e-mail once a week... and will be astonished at 
> this recent deluge of correspondence.

Our key weapon is surprise ;-)


> Fourth: In this moderately serene state of drunkenness, I regret to
> inform you that my Nova Scotia inhabitation went dreadfully awry.  
> In response to an outstanding warrant for my arrest (I didn't know 
> *that* was still illegal!), I was deported from Canada and put on a
> plane out of North America.  Problem was, the stupid fucks forgot to
> ascertain the validity of my passport.  So I landed here in Paris, 
> with no right to enter the country and no visa to enter any other. 
> Therefore I am stranded here among the other Mole People in Charles
> de Gaulle Airport, reading books and hawking change, until I receive
> an exit visa or the rescue mission of some daring young man in a 
> jaunty jalopy.

Nice try, but no cigar-is-sometimes-just-a-cigar.....

Your report arrived to me at

	Thu Jun 24 03:01:54 EDT 1999

Which, if you were paying attention, violates the following which was  
clearly stated my the honorable Ms Brandi 'Watchit Buddy or I'll clamp
it off with this 3/4" vise I happened to have in my boot' Baros:

	Also, due to time zone changes, I suggest that we declare
	each day "over" at midnight Pacific time, (3am Eastern) to
	allow everyone time to get to their computers during normal
	waking hours.

Therefore your move was invalid, as it was not received in time.  So,
by the little known sub-rule which arose from the 1912 great frozen
expedition adventure of Alaska where Prince Jembalaya Hutooki of
Shreveport, LA froze off his kabookie, I hereby invoke article 6-42
g/87.95 subpoint A paragraph Q1 font size 2 -- which states that any
player's move, when received past the aforetomentioned deadline "will
be decided by the first player who responds to your message" (in case
of multiple replies, or in case anyone beats me to it by the length of
this reply, I will further invoke article 92-58-f subpoint 4.20
paragraph pi-epsilon whereby an overdue move can be overridden if
written by a man of the cloth currently commanding a legion of
Swallows (African OR European)).

Hence I banish you from Paris (much too close to the Vatican -- and
don't think we didn't notice your sly little attempt to cross the pond
on day 2) and, given your drunken state, choose to relocate you in
Boston on St. Patrick's Day in 1987.  You will now have to face both a
geographic AND time-travel quandry..... plainly put, you're up a
crick, since you now reside in a time four years before Bentley Ball
was even invented.

Your dizziness causes you to pass out on the table where Senator Ted
Kennedy was making an impassioned speech about a topic no one was
really clear about...

TjL, up late plotting his next move

[actually, he's working on a sermon, but that didn't sound devious
enough]

From: Brandi Baros
Date: Thu, 24 Jun 1999 08:27:21 -0400
Subject: Bentley: from 2 to 3

First, regarding the deluge of correspondence:  anyone who wishes to
be removed from the Bentley mailing list need only reply to us.  As a 
preventative measure, I have removed Claire from this mailing list as
I know she only checks her email once every week or three, and
therefore she'll have 300 messages before she knows it.  I don't know
anyone else's emailing habits, so they'll have to speak for
themselves.  Also, every once in a while, check the mailing list to
make sure no one has been duplicated - I recieved duplicate copies of
13 messages yesterday.

Second, what the  $%#@ are you people doing awake at 4 am??  No, don't 
answer that, I probably don't want to know.

Third, the status today:

Dave* the Obscure One has taken the train to Massapequa, in a daring
and innovative move.
Brandi of the Boot Vise (?!) is in Export, cooking up a storm.
Vince the Vengeful has moved to Toronto to expunge Joe and show us all 
fear in a handful of marinara sauce
Michael the Macarenist is in Alaska amassing and army of arthropods.
The Reverend TjL is following the 1981 move of Python and locating 
rabbits with big pointy teeth.
Frank "Mookie" is asking cryptic questions and keeping his moves very 
much a mystery.
Dave of the Gnomish Space Marines is remaining in Vegas with his 
showgirls, apparently.
Joe "the bitter little bitch" was ejected from Canada to gay Paris,
from which he was removed at an obscene hour by the Reverend TJ and is
in Boston on 17 March 1987, if this unusual action by TJ is not
blocked by the IBC.  Personally I'm willing to let Joe remain in Paris
a little while as his move for today, and maybe even procure him a
visa tomorrow so he can visit Jim Morrison's grave; but I am not a man
of the cloth so this decision does not fall to me.

Anyway, let us begin Round Five (Three, sir!) Three.

Onward to the Vatican!

-Brandi (who wonders, when did the vise get into my boot?) Baros


From: David Twiddy
Date: Thu, 24 Jun 1999 05:54:24 PDT
Subject: Re: Bentley: from 2 to 3

I'm going to rent a garden apartment in Canberra.

And dig a hole in the backyard.

After all, the best defense is a good offense.

D*


From: Vincent Frisina
Date: Thu, 24 Jun 1999 10:24:11 -0400
Subject: Re: Bentley: from 2 to 3


I was about to lay claim to the entire Archdiocese of New York, thus
cleverly giving me control of Cardinal O'Conner, a potential Pope
maker. With His Eminence in my camp, the Vatican would be all but
mine!

But then reveling in my own evil genius, I had to sample the local
culture. Next thing I know I'm relaxing in a wing back leather chair
in an upscale Toronto gentleman's club sipping Canadian whiskey and
smoking Cuban cigars. I think I'll be...occupied for the rest of the
game. I have to take care of some...ah...corporate networking. Yeah.
Sure.


From: Brandi Baros
Date: Thu, 24 Jun 1999 11:08:01 -0400
Subject: Re: Bentley: from 2 to 3

While Vince ogles the scantily-clad dancers over the rim of his
whiskey glass, I'm heading down to the scenic campuses of Seton Hill
and Saint Vincent Colleges, to meet with an old friend of Goldie's
who's on a brief lecture tour. While I'm there, I think I'll stock up
on some of the yummy bread the monks at St. Vincent make.  I think the
peasant wheat will go well with the halupki, no?

Onward to the Vatican!
-Brandi "pope-pourri, it's heaven-scent" Baros


From: Michael Wachs
Date: Thu, 24 Jun 1999 13:27:32 -0400
Subject: RE: Bentley: from 2 to 3

as i was flying out to minneapolis, home to the walker sculpture
garden, new home to my sister and most notably known for the the match
of 1992 when augustus berger overtook the "cherry on spoon" fountain
for the win, i sat alongside a chap named jeff. jeff had a brother who
went by the handle "matt" who lived in juneau for years selling
traditional eskimo crafts. at any rate, jeff made me promise to stop
in for a coffee if i was ever in the area. 

seeing as how my attempts to brainwash the entire alaskan king crab
colony has fallen short of its goal (i only could train two; one
willingly opens my beer bottles for enjoyment while the other refuses
to do anything except follow my every step reciting verse from
progressive eskimo poets. the rest i sold to cirque de soleil, they
could connect to form a most impressive geodesic globe.) i decided to
swing by "matt's" for a cup'a'joe. and yes, that's with an "e". it
appears "matt" has been cloning mr. mccombs from a dna bank that
schwab has been amassing from it's unwilling employees. some escaped
after phase one of the cloning the rest are dehydrated and pressure
wrapped to the size of arabica beans. this would explain why joe is in
paris, nova scotia, and boston c.1987 st patty's day. so i have no
problem with joe's proximity to the vatican as i'm sure the real
mccomb's still sitting on his behind in some trendy san fran cafe
reworking poem after poem. and that is the one that truly counts.

as for "matt"....  his coffee was a little too bitter, so i advanced
onward.

i am now enroute to the island of fiji. riding a narwhale bareback. my
two companions have opted for the sporty coupe narwhale with mag fins
and black lights around the blowhole. it appears they are quite
cutting edge in a jersey shore kinda way.

see you on the sunny beaches!!

snoop mikey mike

ps. beware the molemen!!! my contract with them was penned by the same
lawyer who hammered out the deal between bill gates and satan. it's
unbreachable!!! buwah-ha-ha!!


From: gazoo
Date: Thu, 24 Jun 1999 11:28:47 -0700
Subject: Re: Bentley: from 2 to 3

Day 3 finds our intrepid explorer Mr. McCombs struggling. 
Halfway-drunk, halfway-hungover, and suddenly 14 years old to boot, he
vaguely recognizes the brownstoned streets as those of his former
homestead Boston.  He feels oddly like Commander C.S. Cody, who had
gotten off to such a great start in the 1914 Prince Henry Vauxhall
Invitational until his lead foot resulted in a near-patricide (cf:
"son, you're gonna drive me to drinkin' if you don't stop drivin' that
hot. rod. lincoln.").

Then, as Mr. McCombs turns down Devonshire and notices the line of
cars all being towed away, one by one, he realizes that it is not just
any day, but St. Patrick's Day.  Joy and begorrah!  Time for a move
pulled straight out of the Greco-Roman Worldwide Bentley handbook,
published (in cuneiform, no less) around 700 B.C.  He spends the day
prancing about Copley Place with a sign that reads: "We're here! 
We're queer! And if you ever kick us out of your parade again we'll
sodomize you all with broken whiskey bottles!"

Regards,
Joe "but I like candy wrapped in a sweater" McCombs.


From: "Timothy J. Luoma"
Date: Fri, 25 Jun 1999 09:25:21 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: Re: Bentley: from 2 to 3

On Thu, 24 Jun 1999, gazoo wrote:

> Then, as Mr. McCombs turns down Devonshire and notices the line of
> cars all being towed away, one by one, he realizes that it is not 
> just any day, but St. Patrick's Day.  Joy and begorrah!  Time for a
> move pulled straight out of the Greco-Roman Worldwide Bentley 
> handbook, published (in cuneiform, no less) around 700 B.C.  He 
> spends the day prancing about Copley Place with a sign that reads: 
> "We're here! We're queer!  And if you ever kick us out of your 
> parade again we'll sodomize you all with broken whiskey bottles!"

I think I've seen that bumper sticker....

TjL, who foolishly missed yesterday's round by falling asleep at a
decent hour...

From: Brandi Baros
Date: Fri, 25 Jun 1999 10:16:58 -0400
Subject: Bentley:  Fore!

Sorry about the delay in posting this morning, there have been several
problems with Pitt's mail server and one of them happened early this
morning.

So without further ado, the current Bentley standings:

Dave* "The Excavator" is renting an apartement in Canberra, and
digging a hole in the backyard.  His use of the "Digging a hole to
China" manoeuvre as exemplified by Smythe's takeover of Beijing in the
1973 Bentley Finals is bold yet controversial.
Vince "the Gentleman" is relaxing in a Toronto gentleman's club,
sipping whiskey and taking in the view.
Brandi "the everlasting student" has spent the day on the gentle
campuses of Seton Hill and St. Vincent Colleges in central
Westmoreland county, meeting family friends and eating monk bread.
Michael "the narwhal whisperer" is riding a narwhal to Fiji while
recovering from having imbibed a bitter cup of Mr. McCombs.
Joe "Mother Goose" is demonstrating around the fair town of Boston and
threatening to give parade organizers broken-glass enemas.  Joe also
appears to be relatively unaffected at having been cloned off, and
then drunk by Mr. Wachs.

Reverend TJ, Frank, and Dave have sat out this round, presumably to
catch up on sleep.

Thus begins round four.  Divide and conquer, my worthy opponents!

Onward to the Vatican!

-Brandi "ph-ph-phages" Baros


From: David Twiddy
Date: Fri, 25 Jun 1999
Subject: Re: Bentley: Fore!


I'm staying at a nursing home in Capetown.

A quilting circle meets nightly.

As Sun Tzu said, "Surround Wei to rescue Zhao."

D*


From: "Timothy J. Luoma"
Date: Fri, 25 Jun 1999 12:29:32 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: Re: Bentley:  Fore!

On Fri, 25 Jun 1999, Brandi Baros wrote:

> Reverend TJ, Frank, and Dave have sat out this round, presumably to
> catch up on sleep.

That's what you thought....

I was actually plotting the rest of my moves.  You're all in deep doo
doo, technically speaking.

I have chartered a plane and flown down to Central America, which, as
you know, is a hotbed of Catholicism.  There I will whip the Catholic
masses into a legion of my followers as we prepare to conquer the
Vatican.  Keen observers will note this is the same path followed by
Louis Hector Rodriguez in his 842 A.D. attempt to overthrow the Pope. 
I have unearthed his notes and discovered the fatal flaw to his
attempt was sailing west and falling off the edge of the earth, which
was then still flat until the little-known "Rounding of 1148 A.D." in
which the planet took its current spherical shape.  Keener observers
will note that the truly amazing part of Louis-Hector's plan was that
he had discovered a large group of Catholic followers in Central in
South America hundreds of years before anyone else knew they were
there.

My loins thusly girded, we have set sail for Europe.  Prepare for
annihilation!

	-- Rev. "Genghis"


From: Brandi Baros
Date: Fri, 25 Jun 1999 14:27:03 -0400
Subject: Re: Bentley:  Fore!

Well.  It seems I underestimated our good Reverend.  Touche!

I'm taking my biscotti and halupki and traveling with my friend Sister
Maria, the traveling lecturer.  Her circuit is nearly over, but is
taking her to the Catholic University of America (In Washington DC,
home of Prof. Venigalla Rao who studies bacteriophage assembly and
researcher Powerpoint abuse) this weekend, for a Saturday night
lecture, and then back to her home and her regular job.  She has
invited me home with her for a vacation and sightseeing tour of her
fair land.

Speaking of the weekend, I may not be able to Bentley all weekend but
I'll do what I can.  Between racing and Pitt's goofy computer problems
I may not be able to get into the system from home.

-Brandi "phone home" Baros


From: Timothy J Luoma
Date: Fri, 25 Jun 1999 14:46:09 -0400
Subject: Re: Bentley:  Fore!

Replying to message of Fri, 25 Jun 1999 14:27:03 -0400
	from Brandi Baros
	regarding ``Re: Bentley:  Fore!''

> I'm taking my biscotti and halupki and traveling with my friend 
> Sister Maria, the traveling lecturer.  Her circuit is nearly over, 
> but is taking her to the Catholic University of America (In 
> Washington DC, home of Prof. Venigalla Rao who studies bacteriophage
> assembly and researcher Powerpoint abuse) this weekend, for a 
> Saturday night lecture, and then back to her home and her regular 
> job.  She has invited me home with her for a vacation and 
> sightseeing tour of her fair land.

Uh huh.... sure.... "Catholic University"..... as in "The Gateway to
the Vatican"???  Sly move there Baros.... we're not fools, you know? 
And wielding biscotti and halupki with which to cause their leaders to
choke to death as our CIA attempted against Castro in 1961, only to be
foiled when Castro was able to grasp onto a Mocha Grande (Cuba being
the hotbed of all new beverage trends don'tcha know) and dislodged the
biscotti from his throat and slew all his attackers with a broken
whiskey bottle (weapon of the day for 6/25/99)

[sidenote:
	> Speaking of the weekend, I may not be able to Bentley all
	> weekend but I'll do what I can.

	I've got a wedding rehearsal tonight, wedding tomorrow,
	preaching Sunday and need to start working on a funeral service
	for the beginning of next week, so I too may be taking the
	weekend off.
	
	Don't worry though, I'll continue my diabolical plotting.]


TjL


From: Brandi Baros
Date: Fri, 25 Jun 1999 17:30:23 -0400
Subject: Re: Bentley:  Fore!


>Uh huh.... sure.... "Catholic University"..... as in "The Gateway to
>the Vatican"???  Sly move there Baros.... we're not fools, you know? 
>And wielding biscotti and halupki with which to cause their leaders
>to choke to death as our CIA attempted against Castro in 1961, only
>to be foiled when Castro was able to grasp onto a Mocha Grande (Cuba
>being the hotbed of all new beverage trends don'tcha know) and
>dislodged the biscotti from his throat and slew all his attackers
>with a broken whiskey bottle (weapon of the day for 6/25/99)


On the contrary.  I'm Italian - I don't kill people with food.  Food
is for sustenance and for enjoyment.  I use vastly different tactics
to kill people.

You only *think* you know my strategy.

Onward to the Vatican!

-Brandi "Friday, I'm in love" Baros


From: "Timothy J. Luoma"
Date: Fri, 25 Jun 1999 18:23:48 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: Re: Bentley:  Fore!

On Fri, 25 Jun 1999, Brandi Baros wrote:

> On the contrary.  I'm Italian - I don't kill people with food. 

I spent Thanksgiving at my sister's Italian mother-in-law's, and she
very nearly killed us with food.... after we spent 3 hours eating she
pulled out cornish game hens from the oven.

TjL


From: gazoo
Date: Sat, 26 Jun 1999 10:01:23 -0700
Subject: Re: Bentley:  Fore!

Sorry I missed yesterday's compelling action.  As it was Friday of Gay
Pride Weekend, I had compelling action of my own to attend to.  Will
resume Monday with my next move diabolique.  In the meantime, Frank
asked me to forward this to the others (see below).

Onward,
Joe "Wyld Stallyns at the San Dimas mall" McCombs.

-----

Subject:mass mail this thing, would you? I haven't the capability.
Date:	Thu, 24 Jun 1999 17:45:20 -0400 (EDT)
From:	un023262

        By using my dual resources from history and engineering, I
hereby give the famous Gazoo a standard virtual flux capacitor,
complete with Mr. Fusion.

	  Say hi to Bill and Ted for me.
                                                        -Frank

From: Brandi Baros
Date: Mon, 28 Jun 1999 10:37:38 -0400
Subject: Bentley's Fifth Overture

Well, today begins round 5.  Thanks to all who observed the weekend
off out of respect for those of us who couldn't get to our computers. 
The standings...

Dave* is in a nursing home in Capetown, making quilts, and planning to
"surround Wei to rescue Zhao."
TJ is setting sail for Europe with a legion of Central American
catholics in tow.
Brandi is in DC with Sister Maria, and food.
Frank has provided Joe with a time machine to help him escape 1987.

Dave and Michael have sat out this round (unless I missed something).

Let round 5 begin!

-Brandi "now I'm in the middle like a bird without a beak" Baros


From: Michael Wachs
Date: Mon, 28 Jun 1999 11:49:59 -0400
Subject: RE: Bentley's Fifth Overture

	>>Dave and Michael have sat out this round (unless I missed
something).<<

	technically it's not called sitting when one is relaxing on a
chaise lounge on the coast of Viti Levu, sipping a sweet potato
daquiri and watching my alaskan king crab companions rustle up and
hog-tie red snappers from atop their dolphins. unfortunately my
lacadaisical afternoons have come to an end...

	a brief Bentley lesson:

	In April 1987 an Indian backed coalition led by Dr. Timothy
Bavadra won the majority in Parliament by promising a harmonious
coupling between peanut butter and chocolate (please refer back to the
UPN docu-drama video series Volume 5 "Bentley at War: Your Chocolate
is in My Peanut Butter!!") which resulted in further Fijian resentment
with this increase in Indian political power. In May 1987 military
officers led by Col. Sitiveni Rabuka overthrew Bavadra's government
and in September agreed to install a bipartisan caretaker government
that would include livestock representatives under the condition that
they would not gnaw on the furniture. However, on Sept. 5, Rabuka led
a second coup, abolishing the constitution, stripping the livestock of
their political power by naming himself head of state and government,
and declaring the right of the Fijians to wear coconut brassieres for
tourism purposes only. On Oct. 6, 1987 Rabuka declared Fiji a
republic.

	Update:

	As of June 25, 1999, a new coup had arisen. The LLF (Livestock
Liberation Front) was in the mood to gnaw, and has overtaken the
parliament with demands of equal hay and sick days. The country is
rife with problems, so I am forced to take leave. 

	Deciding to take the slow route out of town (the crabs love
their new Advantix Cameras... wait'll you see the film!!) the crabs
and I strolled past Parliament to take in some of the action. That's
where we met George, the leftist goat. George, being quite the
pacifist has decided to join in the journey on the grounds that we
swing thorugh Nepal, so he can catch up with old friends. 

	So we're on dolphins bareback again, heading to the Indian
coast....


	or are we.


	buwahh-hahahahahaha (me)
	buwee-hehehehehehee (crabs)
	buwarhh-heharhhraarrharhhehrrar-rmmm-mmmm-munchmunch (George,
eating my shirt)
	......-.....-.............................  (muffled sounds of
Molemen.... yes, they're still working for me)


From: Brandi Baros
Date: Mon, 28 Jun 1999 13:34:47 -0400
Subject: RE: Bentley's Fifth Overture

My apologies for the previous use of the words "sat out," as it was
clearly an understatement.

Sister Maria and I had booked flight from DC to Naples, but due to a
bizarre weather pattern over Mediterranean Europe we were forced to
land in Helsinki, Findland.  Since we are not far removed from the
summer solstice, we have decided to stay the night to observe the
midnight sun and relax in a fine Finnish spa.  (While in Arizona, I
learned from a Finnish friend that the Finns pronounce "jacuzzi"
exactly as it looks, with Finnish pronunciation:  yah-cootz-ee.)  I'm
also going to take this opportunity to stock up on the fine Finnish
chocolates of Karl Fazer - quite possibly the best chocolate I've ever
eaten.  The milk chocolate bar with hazelnuts and raisins is food for
the gods indeed!

I think of you all as I relax in the jacuzzi with Sister Maria and our
new Finnish friends.

Bentley on, dudes!

-Brandi "write it on a pound note, pound note" Baros


From: David Twiddy
Date: Mon, 28 Jun 1999 13:17:21 PDT
Subject: Re: Bentley's Fifth Overture

I return to the states.

To Concord, New Hampshire.

I know the McDonalds there very well.

And as Liu Pei found out, a long ear can swing to the west.

D*


From: Timothy J Luoma
Date: Mon, 28 Jun 1999 19:48:52 -0400
Subject: Re: Bentley's Fifth Overture


Unfortunate setback.

After a weekend at sea my crew found themselves unexpectedly seasick
and sunburned (damn you hole in the ozone layer).  I had just
finished quoting the 1864 speech by Captain Hale "Three Fingers"
Marque la Entrails and morale was about to shift back to my favor
when suddenly our boat was capsized by Kathy Lee Gifford's Carnival
Cruise ship.  My Central and South American swam off after the
cruise liner in a desperate attempt catch up with it.  My Spanish
not being very good I could not understand if they were saying "We
want to ask the spunky morning lady why she puts up with that idiot
Regis" or "Let us kill the pasty face one who makes our children
work for such ugly clothes".

Saddened, I lay afloat on my shard of boat debris trying to think
"What would Leonardo `I'm the king of the world' DeCaprio do?" when
suddenly a large prehistoric-looking bird swooped down and picked me
up in its beak. Disoriented, I could only tell that we were flying
towards the sun, but could not remember what time of day it was.

I awoke with a thud as the bird flew off.  Looking around, I had a
dread fear I knew where I was.  Struggling to my feet, my fears were
confirmed when someone shouted "Lookout mate!" just as a boomerang hit
me in the back of the head.  As I struggled to regain consciousness I
cried aloud "Australia? No please, anything but that.... I'll be good,
I promise....."

Foiled again, but not for long... I shall return....

TjL


From: gazoo
Date: Mon, 28 Jun 1999 18:17:12 -0700
Subject: Re: Bentley's Fifth Overture

Well!  I must say it has been a very exciting couple of days... or is
it years... I'm not sure any more.

When last your heard from me, I was parading about Copley Place saying
nasty things to all the little heterosexuals.  This was unfortunately
a crime to some people in Boston... but instead of a cop, I was picked
up by Wayne Newton to take part in a re-education program.  "This has
absolutely no precedent in World Bentley," I thought to myself. 
"Shaddup," myself answered.

Mr. Newton first took me to the Republican Primary, where he was an
opening act for Messrs. Bush, Alexander, and LaRouche.  (Hey, it's
*my* story.)  After a particularly stirring rendition of "Daddy, Don't
You Walk So Fast," we were on a Lear Jet to Branson, Missouri, where I
proceeded to heckle a Dawn-less Tony Orlando at the Hacienda.  This
unfortunately created no small amount of bad blood between Newton and
Orlando, and so the PTB had me winging once again...

... to Las Vegas.  Wayne's home turf.  I was told that he's got some
friends he wants to introduce me to.  A frightening thought... but
then came another thought: "isn't Mr. Kosak still there, circa 1999?" 
Now, if I can only get this contrabulous frabtraption of Frank Bryan's
to work...

Until next time,
Joe "time won't give me time" McCombs.

From: gazoo
Date: Tue, 29 Jun 1999 05:42:26 -0700
Subject: Re: Bentley's Fifth Overture

Whoops... A few people not copied in...

Subject:	Bentley, rondo sex
Date: 		Tue, 29 Jun 1999 08:42:34 -0400
From: 		Brandi Baros


Today's morning status:

Michael is riding dolphins once again, now heading to India.
Brandi has enjoyed a relaxing layover in Finland, and taken advantage
of the many spas and jacuzzis in Helsinki.
Dave* has returned to the States and is now in Concord NH, presumably
in the McDonald's.
TJ is in the Land Down Under after having been shipwrecked and plucked 
from the briny by a prehistoric bird.
Joe is touring with the famous (infamous?) Wayne Newton, and is 
beginning to tread on the Kosak-claimed territory of Las Vegas while 
trying to figure out how to use the flux capacitor given to him by 
Frank.
Mr. Kosak is taking a siesta, perhaps pondering if this town ain't big 
enough for the both of them?
Frank is also taking a siesta, perhaps building yet another fine feat
of engineering genius.

Thus we begin round six, or rondo sex, in the fine Latin language
still in use at the Vatican.  Our goal is beginning to come into
sight, and the conclusion of this game promises to be full of twist,
turns, high-speed chases, and great battle scenes.

Bentley on, folks!

-Brandi "Pie Iesu Domine, >thwack< dona eis requiem >thwack<" Baros


From: David Twiddy
Date: Tue, 29 Jun 1999 05:47:43 PDT
Subject: Re: Bentley's Fifth Overture


>Dave* has returned to the States and is now in Concord NH, presumably
>in the McDonald's.

Aha!  The crucial error.

While everyone watches McDonald's,

I eat at Friendly's.

Then catch the next plane,

To Rome.

D*


From: Brandi Baros
Date: Tue, 29 Jun 1999 12:02:31 -0400
Subject: Bentley, Rondo sex

Thank you, Joe, for forwarding the "rondo sex" message... I was a
little underslept this morning and didn't to the "reply all" thing...

The Obscure One is winging his way towards the Holy City.  Having
relaxed and recovered from our flight while in Finland, Sister Maria
and I are taking a ferry to the European mainland and then taking the
express train to Rome.  We're not too trusting of air travel.  Any way
we get there, Sister Maria has to get back to work.  She called her
superior when we landed in Finland to explain the airflight situation,
and he gave her his blessing to travel any way she wants.  She told me
he's looking forward to some good halupki since they're hard to come
by in Italy, so I'm refilling the liquid nitrogen in my stratocooler
to keep the halupki frozen.  The biscotti will travel fine in an
airtight container at ambient temperature.

Onward to the Vatican!

Brandi "holy socks!" Baros


From: Timothy J Luoma
Date: Wed, 30 Jun 1999 00:14:41 -0400
Subject: Re: Bentley, Rondo sex

I now possess an army of brainwashed kangaroos.

We have a Range Rover.

We were heading north to rendezvous with a sail barge which was
schedule to bring 4 tons of communion wafers -- scientifically
designed to keep them from ever dissolving in your mouth.... but
I digress....

While enroute (& much to my surprise) I saw a vaguely familiar
vehicle on the outback...  it was small, like a golf cart, with
plexiglass windows all around it.  There were two passengers, a
driver, and an older-looking Polish gentleman firing an M-80 Carbine
at Koala Bears and yelling "Faster dammit they're getting away!"

I would have known who it was even without the large ornate white
hat.  Pope John Paul, on his annual sabbatical safari, traditionally
taken in the last week in June by every Pope since Pope Paul John
Paul the 15th in the early 1100's while taking refuge from an angry
mistress who was upset because he wouldn't take off the hat in bed.

But I digress again.... Upon sighting the PopeMobile(TM) I pulled the
Range Rover up next to the PopeMobile(TM), pulled my trusty boomerang
from my belt and took out the driver with one shot.  The boomerang
deftly glided back into my hand much like the weapon in the movie
Krull [15 mega bonus points for anyone who remembers the name of said
weapon].

We were poised for victory.  I expected to easily take over the
PopeMobile(TM) once the driver had been overcome.  However PJP proved
to be a more cunning adversary than I had anticipated.  With the
speed of a man 100 years younger, he slid back inside the
PopeMobile(TM) and sent the driver's unconscious body out of the car
with a single kick.  Sliding into the driver's seat he rapidly
accelerated while continuing to fire at us yelling "Die heathen
Protestant scum!"

Daunted only by the fact that his PopeMobile(TM) couldn't go any
faster than 20 miles per hour, he was a vigorous opponent. 
Nevertheless, one boomerang whack to the back of his papal head, and
we had ourselves one bonafide hostage.

I fully expect that the Vaticanese authorities will realize they
have no chance but to surrender themselves to myself and hopping
army.

We set sail on the 'morrow.... You'll all be speaking Latin by the
end of the month...

The Vatican, Russia, then on to conquer the world!

TjL


From: gazoo
Date: Tue, 29 Jun 1999 21:16:50 -0700
Subject: Re: Bentley, Rondo sex

Rondo sex... I remember it well...

or at least I *did*, until I was 14 years old and wandering blindly
about Las Vegas, Nevada, looking for a sign of Dave Kosak and a clue
as to how to use a makeshift flux capacitator.

I knew I should have paid attention in those LSN classes.

Las Vegas was surprisingly entertaining.  Wayne laid down the funky
beats, I played along on my teal tambourine... until slipping away
backstage as he did his encore of "After The Loving."  I hitched a
ride to San Jose (thanks a LOT, Dave) (whoa whoa who wo Wo wo) where
some kindly undergrads gave me not only sweet loving, but a user's
guide to the Bryantastic Infostructic Melotonic Flux Capacitator.  For
joy!

Ignoring the legal liabilities of those Stanford grads having had
their way with a 14 year old, I found myself in the most exciting
quantum continuum.  It was rather like Messrs. Teegarden and Winkle
experienced in 1917 as they engaged in the first ever Bentley-related
time travel expenditure (please reference _A Wrinkle In Arter_, pp.
364-376, those of you who aren't familiar with my forfrethren's
exploits)... I saw lights.  I saw stars.  I saw... a narwhal?  

Still trying to get my bearings, I remain,
Joe "divided and Concord" McCombs.

From: Michael Wachs
Date: Wed, 30 Jun 1999 09:31:40 -0400
Subject: RE: Bentley, Rondo sept

rondo sex has come and gone, leaving me with feelings of emptiness and
abandonment. for i mistook rondo sex for randy sex and was not quite
sure what to do last round. but as of rondo sept i am back on track.

after travelling to nepal we swung by george's friend eloise's
spacious three-tiered gnawing deck, at which we were promptly asked to
leave (there's something about female goat's nostrils that attract
king crabs, pinchers akimbo). escaping from a maximum security
compound we headed for the los angeles underground. today, still
wanted by the government we survive as soldiers of fortune. if you
have a problem... if no one else can help... and if you can find us...

wait a second... while george could pass off for faceman, i'm no BA.
so we're going back to nepal and head westward to old carthage and
make like hannibal.

but which hannibal will that be? i love it when a plan comes
together...


From: Brandi Baros
Date: Wed, 30 Jun 1999 10:38:08 -0400
Subject: RE: Bentley, Rondo sept

Due to technical difficulties involving a phage genome, fluorescently
labeled DNA bases, and mass transit, I didn't get to recap rondo sex
before rondo sept began.

Rondo sex ended with:

Dave* flying to Rome
Brandi taking the express train to Rome with Sister Maria, a cooler
full of halupki and a large container full of biscotti
TJ taking someone who appears to be the pope on a hunting safari
hostage with a boomerang
Joe time-traveling back to the present in San Jose

Dave, Michael, and Frank have been sitting out, watching rondo sex.

Rondo sept has begun with Michael going west towards Carthage from
Nepal a la Hannibal.

Now for my move:

Having arrived in Rome in the wee hours of the morning, I am going to
the Vatican by foot, as is appropriate for any pilgrim.  Sister Maria
has phoned ahead.  The other nun working in the Holy City told her
that the pope is out of town, but that it would be good to have Sister
Maria back in the pope's organizational staff and that I would be a
welcome guest.  I have offered to share my halupki and biscotti, and
as these biscotti have a fine reputation before them, my offer was
accepted quite happily and I will be having a late lunch with the nuns
and monks of the Vatican today as their guest.  Having brought news of
my cousin Goldie (who hasn't met the pope but goes way back with
Sister Maria and a number of other nuns of the Holy City), the nuns
and monks have decided to make tonight's evening mass a prayer for her
health and speedy recovery.  When (if) the pope returns from his
journey I hope to ask him for a blessing for her.  Control of the
Vatical wouldn't mean much since I'm not up there in the hierarchy of
getting divine intervention, so I think it behooves me to endear
myself to those who can get a little holy help for my family.

Brandi "and I will pray to a big God as I kneel in the big church"
Baros


From: David Twiddy
Date: Wed, 30 Jun 1999 08:21:53 PDT
Subject: RE: Bentley, Rondo sept


The jet approaches Rome.

I open the rear door of the cabin,

and

snaptogetherthehanggliderwhoseframeIboughtinCanberraandwhose
surfacewasfilledinbythequiltingcircleinCapetown

"The phoenix descends toward the valley"

D*


From: "Timothy J. Luoma"
Date: Wed, 30 Jun 1999 13:00:05 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: RE: Bentley, Rondo sept


Stopping only briefly to celebrate Mass on the docks, we have departed
for Rome.

Judging by speed and calculating for the wind-drag associated with the
PopeHat(tm) I expect we will enter the city later this evening (it's a
powerful barge).

The Kangas have been on the target range all day, practicing their
battle skills.  They are quite proficient for creatures with such
small front legs.

One of them has spotted a hang-glider in the air and is using it for
target practice.  It's pilot is making vain attempts to steer away
from us.  Little does he know we have combined the classic steam
engine of the early Mississippi River days with a cold fusion machine,
giving a combination of power and style rarely seen since the days of
Elridge McElbawee's pioneer classic "Ford Gremlin with a Cadillac
Engine" of the late 1970's...

Sleep well, for tomorrow we conquer the Vatican.  Mass cards will be
available for $2.50/each.  Prayers for your heathen souls, $4.99; the
classic "Teach Yourself How to Get Out of Purgatory in 14 Days" will
be available in book and audio tape for $19.99.

[TjL laughs the laughter of a man who knows that the hero has been
 securely locked away out of sight and nothing can interfere with his
 plans to take over/destroy the world]


From: David Twiddy
Date: Wed, 30 Jun 1999 10:34:08 PDT
Subject: RE: Bentley, Rondo sept


>One of them has spotted a hang-glider in the air and is using it for
>target practice.  It's pilot is making vain attempts to steer away
>from us.

If I may slip out of my trademark style for a moment (this isn't
an offical turn, so it doesn't matter as much)

You may have wondered, briefly, why I chose Dayton as a starting
point.  No doubt you all figured I was opening with the classic
Ximenes Gambit, pioneered by the Spanish team in their 1477 victory
over the Mezoarabic team.

You were mistaken.

If you check out http://www.greaterdaytonohio.com/regdata.htm, you'll
notice that Dayton is a great center of the aerospace industry.  An
advantage I, in accordance with the June, 1977 "Oh What A Night" rules 
expansion, paragraph 37, subparagraph 2, used to develop a full
operation air-to-surface minimissile system, light enough to fit on my
hang glider, and lethal enough to destroy any known source of AA fire.
Rev. Luoma, consider youself counterstrafed by a swarm of foot-long HE 
devices.

"The teeth of the dragon also fly,"
Dave*


From: "Timothy J. Luoma"
Date: Wed, 30 Jun 1999 15:16:36 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: RE: Bentley, Rondo sept

On Wed, 30 Jun 1999, David Twiddy wrote:
> ... used to develop a full operation air-to-surface minimissile 
> system, light enough to fit on my hang glider, and lethal enough 
> to destroy any known source of AA fire.
>
> Rev. Luoma, consider youself counterstrafed by a swarm of foot-long
> HE devices.

Ha!  Against a less-devious adversary, this might be cause for
concern. However, had you been paying attention at ALL you would know
that by this point I am already in possession of PopeGlass(tm) -- the
same used in the PopeMobile to protect the hindquarters of his most
excellency, namely JPTP (John Paul, the Pope).

Coupled with the radar-jamming equipment stored under the PopeHat(tm),
your minimissiles cause no alarm here....

... and now you've p*ssed off His Pontiffness with your unholy attack.

Hope you've got asbetos underwear, sir 

TjL

[ps -- anyone else hear Dennis Miller awhile back talking about the
PopeMobile & its bulletproof glass?  "What's he afraid of?  Dying and
going to heaven?  Or maybe he's not sure he's getting in to the big
after-life party, and if that's the case, what chance do the rest of
us #)&(*@&#ers have?!?!?!?"]


From: gazoo
Date: Wed, 30 Jun 1999 18:50:59 -0700
Subject: Re: Bentley, Rondo sept

What excitement!  What joie de vivre!  If you haven't tried time
travel, you simply *must*.  S'all I can say.

Feeling much like Scott Bakula (both in his "Quantum Leap" persona and
in his similar exploits in the 1993 "Celebrity Global Bentley"
tournament held in Kyoto), I admired the wisps of time and light as
they passed before me.  "I can see through time," Lisa Simpson was
heard to utter once while on acid.  Sister Lisa speaks the truth.

Unfortunately, I became *so* engrossed with the act of travel that I
forgot the instructions scribbled by Frank and deciphered by the boys
at Stanford: that the trajectories of travel were controlled by my
*thoughts*.  So I weaved in and out of focus, alternately heading
toward the narwhal-populated Fiji Island (as opposed to the drunkard
populated Fiji Island... you knew it had to happen), a field of tea
leaves and wild reeds in Toyama-Ken, that damn supper club in Branson,
Missouri...

It had to happen.  It became overload for that poor flux capacitator,
all those twists and turns; my thoughts were still there, but their
translations soon went terribly askew.  I thought "Rome," which the
time machine deciphered as "Roam," and sent me hurtling toward
(Private) Idaho and the B-52's communal farm.  I quickly regained
control... but "Roam" stayed stuck in my head, and so I hovered.  I
had to get a different song stuck in my head...

... and that song was "I Eat Cannibals."  Delightful enough, under
most circumstances.  Sadly, I had done too much damage to the
capacitator with my attention-deficit-disorder-like control.  Instead
of "I Eat Cannibals," the machine heard "I Eat Hannibal"...

... and stopped in the present-day, disintegrating into dust, and
crashing me into a vaguely familiar-looking Bostonian and two sternly
dismayed goats.

The journey continues,
Joe "akimbo!  akimbo!  akimbo!" McCombs.

From: Brandi Baros
Date: Thu, 01 Jul 1999 08:37:42 -0400
Subject: Re: Bentley, Rondo octo

Well, it seems the end is near.  TJ, Dave*, and I are in or above
Rome. Joe is set to "Roam", and Michael is in Carthage making like
Hannibal.  


Let us begin rondo octo.

-b-


From: David Twiddy
Date: Thu, 01 Jul 1999 07:27:10 PDT
Subject: Re: Bentley, Rondo octo


As the summer breeze reminds one

of the falling leaves of fall

So does the warm air

carry my hang glider to the earth

In St. Peter's Square.

D*

(Did I win?  We never made clear what, precisely, one had to do at the 
Vatican.  I have to go on vacation now, so y'all will have to let me
know if I won or not.  I'll be back late Monday.)


From: Vincent Frisina
Date: Thu, 01 Jul 1999 11:11:45 -0400
Subject: Re: Bentley, Rondo octo


<METABENTLEY>

Dave* has won. I applaud him. Let us throw our support behind this
most honorable completion to the first transnational Bentley game.

</METABENTLEY>


From: Timothy J Luoma
Date: Thu,  1 Jul 1999 12:46:37 -0400
Subject: Re: Bentley, Rondo octo

Replying to message of Thu, 01 Jul 1999 11:11:45 -0400
	from Vincent Frisina
	regarding ``Re: Bentley, Rondo octo''


> Dave* has won. I applaud him. Let us throw our support behind this 
> most honorable completion to the first transnational Bentley game.

I have released the Pope back to his natural habitat....


...but I stole the hat....


	TjL


From: Brandi Baros
Date: Thu, 1 Jul 1999 16:19:45 -0400
Subject: Re: Bentley, Rondo octo


I'm still in the Vatican, where I've been since yesterday.  Apparently
nobody noticed that I chose the quiet and nonglamourous path.  I
thought someone would have objected to my moves earlier.  Oh well.

Now that the Pope has returned, he has joined the nuns and monks and
myself.  The biscotti were specifically for him, as he has partaken of
Goldie's biscotti before and has found them to be not only superior to
all others, but worthy of blessing.  Those of you who have not
partaken of the Pope-approved biscotti are welcome to let me know and
I"ll send you some next time I bake.  After all, if they're good
enough for His Holiness, they must be good enough for you :-)

Unfortunately I must leave the Vatican and the Bentley game today, as
Goldie is in real life in Shadyside hospital, waiting for her heart to
recover enough that she can have her carotid arteries catheterized
before she has a stroke.  It would probably make her very happy to see
me before I zip away for the next motorcycle race.  I hope everyone
has a good holiday weekend.

-Brandi "th-th-that's all, folks" Baros


From: gazoo
Date: Thu, 01 Jul 1999 18:38:44 -0700
Subject: Re: Bentley, Rondo octo

Dave* and Brandi,

Hope you guys had fun in the Vatican!  Let me know when the place is
opened up for general elections!  And let me know if you run into
Sinead O'Connor on your way home.

Speaking of which... Can I hitch a ride with someone back to the Bay
Area?  I'm not sure I like the Himalayas all that much.

Regards, and thanks for a most entertaining week,
Joe "a generation lost in space" McCombs.